Why it's so hard to decide what to do with a loved ones’ ashes.

It’s been almost two years since my beautiful mother died and for most of that time her ashes have been in a rather nasty green plastic container inside a slightly nicer wooden box which we got from the funeral director after her cremation. Gnawing away in the back of our minds were a bunch of questions that we’d never voiced: What would mum really like us to do with her remains? Where would she ultimately like to rest? Should we split them and send some to my brothers in Australia? Would they even want that?

For so many of us, these conversations seem rather awkward, if not slightly insensitive. But they’re so necessary. Even for me, having started Vaso, a cremation urn business, after my mother’s death, having a convo about what everyone wanted to do with her ashes seemed hard and uncomfortable. My father really wanted them buried under a beautiful tree somewhere - which we all agreed would be nice. But we couldn’t find the perfect spot and no one place seemed ideal.

I really wanted to have some of her ashes with me in Wellington because I loved the idea of her constant presence in our home, especially since home was such an important concept for Bar and so much of our joy as a family came from being together eating, drinking and talking over the top of each other.  But I also felt shy about broaching the idea of splitting up her ashes with my father and I’d only had very cursory convos with my brothers about what they wanted. So, in the absence of a courageous conversation, we all stayed silent and waited for someone else to bring it up.

How did we finally come to an agreement? A chance conversation with my father about a friend’s funeral he’d been to recently where his friend was buried in a beautiful cemetery on a hill overlooking the harbour on the way to Akaroa - one of my mother’s favourite places. We couldn’t believe we hadn’t thought of it before and instantly agreed that it would be the perfect spot for Bar to rest. It was also ideal for my aunt who regularly travelled back and forth from Akaroa to Christchurch so she could stop in and visit with her beloved sister any time. The decision on her final resting spot seemed so natural and comforting that it gave me the confidence to bring up the idea of sharing some of her ashes amongst her three children as well. Not surprisingly, dad was totally happy with that too. In fact, the timing was serendipitous because he was due to visit my brothers in Australia the following week. So we quickly arranged a family conference to share our thoughts with the boys and give them a chance to voice their own wishes. They both loved the idea of having a piece of mum with them in their own homes and luckily, I could give them each a gorgeous sculptural Vaso urn to keep them in - perfect.

What did I learn from this whole experience? While no one wanted to bring it up, we’d all been quietly thinking about what each of us ideally wanted to do with mum’s remains - we just didn’t know how to raise it with our father or each other. But when one of us came up with some options, everyone was open to talking about it. There was no awkwardness or embarrassment - just curiosity, openness and love.

So my advice to anyone wondering what to do with the remains of their loved one - don’t be afraid to have an open conversation with the people you love. Ask everyone to share what they’d like to do and then be honest about how you’d like to remember your loved one. Allow everyone the time and space to consider the options, including what your loved one would’ve wanted for themselves. Then, if possible, find a way to come to an agreement that makes everybody happy - even if that means each of you does something different with the ashes. And remember, there’s no urgency to make a decision - it’s ok to take your time while you find the perfect urn or special location. Ultimately, this is about remembrance and love - and how you honour that special person in a way that feels right for you. 

Options for honouring your loved one’s ashes:

1. Keep them all together in a beautiful urn of your choosing and find the perfect spot in your chosen home to display them
2. Bury your chosen urn full of your loved ones’ ashes in their favourite place.
3. Share the ashes amongst your loved one’s family and special people in beautiful memento urns so that each person can hold them dear in their own special place.
4. Scatter your loved ones’ ashes in their favourite place and use your beautiful chosen urn as a daily reminder of your love and a way to honour your loved one for all eternity.

Visit our collection of beautiful urns and choose one for your loved one

With love and kindness

Bridgit