How to Plan Your Own Funeral (and Why Doing It Now Is One of the Most Loving Things You Can Do)

I know. The title of this article probably made you hesitate. Maybe you clicked anyway out of mild morbid curiosity, or maybe you actually came here because you've been thinking about this and didn't quite know where to start.

Either way — welcome. I promise this isn't as grim as it sounds.

I came to think seriously about death planning the hard way: by watching my mother spend the last years of her life with dementia, unable to tell us what she wanted. And to be honest, we were probably all in a bit of denial about her actual death so didn’t talk about it. At All. Ever. 

When she finally died in October 2023, after a long and terrible journey, our family was left making decisions on her behalf without any real idea of what she would have chosen. What kind of service? Burial or cremation? Should we bury her next to her parents or should we keep her close? Where should her ashes go? 

We did our best, and I think we got it mostly right. But there was a quiet grief in not knowing — a nagging wish that she had told us, while she could. That experience is a large part of why I started Vaso. And it's why I want to make the case, as clearly and warmly as I can, for doing the thing that most of us put off until it's too late.

Planning your own funeral — or at the very least, your end-of-life wishes — is one of the most profoundly loving acts you can do for the people who will outlive you.

Why We Don't Do It (And Why We Should)

The reluctance makes complete sense. Thinking about your own death feels uncomfortable at best, and terrifying at worst. Most of us are wired to push it aside — as I write about in our blog post on Making the Choice Between Cremation and Burial, my own family managed to avoid the conversation almost entirely, right up until the last moment.

But here's what I've come to understand: the discomfort is yours. The consequence of not planning is entirely your family's.

When someone dies without having expressed their wishes, the people who love them are left making difficult decisions under the worst possible conditions — exhausted, grieving, sometimes disagreeing, always second-guessing. Did she want a church service? Would he have hated that song? Where on earth do we put the ashes?

Doing this work now doesn't mean you're giving in to death. It means you're protecting the people you love from unnecessary pain.

The Key Decisions to Think About

You don't need a formal document or a lawyer to start. You just need to think through the main decisions and write them down somewhere people can find.

Burial or cremation? This is the big one, and it's worth thinking through properly. We've written about the burial vs. cremation decision in some depth here, but the short version is: cremation gives your family flexibility — you can be with them wherever they go, be scattered in places you loved, be divided among people who want a piece of you near them. Burial fixes you in one place for eternity, which has its own kind of beauty but also its own constraints.

What kind of service? A church funeral? A humanist ceremony? A party? No service at all? These are entirely your call, and expressing a preference saves your family from having to guess. Be specific if you can — the music matters, the readings matter, and knowing whether you want a solemn occasion or a celebration of life makes an enormous difference.

Where do you want your ashes to go? If you're choosing cremation, this is worth thinking about carefully. A beloved place, a family member's home, scattered at sea? You can also divide your ashes — leaving instructions for different portions to go to different people or places.

Who is in charge? Nominating someone to be your executor and to carry out your wishes means there's a clear point of authority when decisions need to be made. This is especially important in families where conflict might otherwise arise.

Your urn. This one is close to my heart, for obvious reasons. If you're choosing cremation, you get to choose what you rest in. An urn that reflects your personality and your taste — something beautiful, something you — that will sit in someone's home as a constant loving reminder and, hopefully, make them smile when they see it. That's not a small thing.

What Is an Advance Care Plan?

An Advance Care Plan (ACP) is a broader document about your end-of-life wishes — covering not just your funeral preferences but your medical wishes for the final phase of your life. It can include things like where you want to be cared for (home, hospice, hospital), what treatments you do and don't want, who you want making decisions if you can't, and your spiritual and emotional needs.

In New Zealand, just 13% of people have one in place. The irony is that writing one takes an afternoon, and not having one can cause months of confusion, conflict and guilt for the people left behind.

Resources to get started:

• Te Hokinga ā Wairua End of Life Service — a government resource for creating your plan
• My ACP — a free online tool for NZ residents
• Your GP — a simple conversation is often the best starting point

An Advance Care Plan is separate from your will, which covers your assets and estate. Ideally you have both. Your will is found after death; your ACP needs to be accessible before it.

A Note on Choosing Your Own Urn

I want to spend a moment on this, because it matters to me personally and I think it's an under appreciated part of end-of-life planning.

The urn that holds your ashes will live in someone you love's home for years — possibly for the rest of their life. It will be the object that represents you in their space. Every time they glance at it, they'll think of you.

Choosing it yourself is an act of profound self-expression and love. It means the people you leave behind don't have to make that decision in the fog of grief, wondering what you would have wanted. It means the object that holds you is genuinely you — chosen with your own eye, your own taste, your own sense of what's beautiful.

Every Vaso urn is handcrafted in New Zealand, made from natural clay by talented local ceramic artists. They're designed to live in a home, not hide in a cupboard. A few worth considering:

• For the elegant and original: Cygnus Series — every piece unique, fired by fire and chance
• For the design-conscious: Andromeda II — bold, sculptural, completely distinctive
• For the quietly understated: Vela I — rounded, warm, utterly serene
• For something simple and timeless: Aquila I — refined, understated, enduring

And if you want to leave smaller pieces for multiple family members, our Memento Series is designed exactly for that — small, beautiful keepsake urns that can hold a portion of ashes and travel wherever the people who love you go.

Starting the Conversation

If you're in a relationship, or have children, or have a family who will be affected by your death — this is a conversation worth having out loud, not just writing down. Tell the people close to you what you want. Show them where the document is. Give them the gift of certainty.

It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. It can be practical, even loving. "When I die, here's what I'd like" is one of the kindest sentences you can ever say to someone.

With love and kindness,

Bridgit Founder, Vaso